Ladies and gentlemen, here we go
We hope everybody enjoys the show
Get ready for daring, amazing things
The likes of which you’ve never seen
You’ll be stunned and you’ll be amazed
You’ll be in shock and awe for days
At the wonderful and stupendous tricks
Of Hagbard the Magnificent
You won’t believe all the things you’ll see
And you’ll see things that should not be
But rest assured that the show is real
Yes, my friends — it’s the real deal
All will marvel in his feats
And everyone will be on the edge of their seats
So now without any further ado
Let’s get this party started
Ladies and gentlemen, Hagbard the Magnificent!

So here’s what happened — I was walking home from school today
When what did i see but a giant circus tent along the way
The man outside went on and on and said to check it out
So I had to go inside and see what it was all about

I asked the man how much it was and how long the show would be
He said, “not long at all,” then asked how much money I had on me
I only had a dollar, but he said that’s how much admission was
So I bought a ticket, went inside, and was greeted with a large applause

I see we have a volunteer
Come up on stage — don’t be afraid

Get in the box
While I spin it around
When I wave my wand
See the box start to rise off the ground

And then with a wink
And a pull of my glove
I will reach into my top hat
And then pull out a — TIGER?

Oh, no! It looks like those clowns have switched my hat again!

Everybody, please remain calm — we’re having some minor technical difficulties
Pay no attention to the tiger or the giant b- BEAR?
This is all perfectly normal, and there is no need to panic
Please stay in your seats so we can continue the show

Then all sorts of animals and people started jumping out of the hat
Like a turtle and a robot and a giant rabbit
And a strange bird that looked like it was part turkey and part duck
And even a pirate with a pumpkin on his shoulder

I jumped from the box, and everyone under the tent looked for a way out
But all of the exits were blocked, which I’m sure is a violation of the local fire code
It seemed like there was no escape for us, so we all just huddled together, expecting the worst

Then the tent blew away, and we were all on a great big boat in an ocean
The clouds thickened, and the sky became dark
Lightning flashed, thunder cracked, and it started raining cats and dogs
And the boat started to sink under the weight of so many animals

Then, I could see something off in the distance headed our way
At first, I thought it may be a unicorn, but then I remembered that unicorns were imaginary, so it couldn’t be one of those
As it approached, I saw that it was a flying spaghetti monster coming to rescue us

It hovered above us and lowered a noodle for us to climb
The squirrels climbed up, the birds climbed up, followed by the cats and dogs
Everybody else climbed up, and I was the last one on the boat
Then the flying spaghetti monster flew through the clouds and disappeared out of sight

We’ve reached the end of the show, so all the fun and games must end
When I say the magic word, then you will all wake up
1, 2, 3 — 3, 2, 1
Alakazaam, alakazaoo, alaka-hot-cross-buns

At that moment, the entire audience woke up from their daze
They all jumped up, gave a standing ovation, and seemed to be truly amazed
That what they thought had happened to them was not quite what it seemed
Instead of being in danger, everybody was in a dream

The congregation was still in shock, and a little in disbelief
But now that everything was over, they all started to feel relief
But I was a little bit skeptical about what had just gone on
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something still felt wrong

Just then, something ripped a hole in the tent above the crowd
There were growls and howls and roars, and the spectators’ screams were loud
It was the flying spaghetti monster, still carrying the animals
Like tigers and bears and sharks and snakes, and then he just let them fall

Everybody panicked ’cause they had no idea what to do
There were wild animals all around, but I tried to keep my cool
And so I thought as the animals fought amidst the hullabaloo
Instead of eating me, I should give them something new

Then I remembered I had a leftover apple from my lunch
I thought maybe I could use it to distract that wild bunch
I took it from my bag and then I threw it as hard as I could
The animals were hungry, so all of them chased the food

Then I ran out of the tent and kept running all the way home
I didn’t stop or even turn around to see if any of the animals were chasing me

So that’s why I’m home way too late after school
I didn’t mean to take so long, and I didn’t mean to worry you
No matter if you think the story’s true or false or right or wrong
In the end it doesn’t matter ’cause it’s all just a song